Wanted: A Grandfather

I want a grandfather. I always have. I mean who is suppose to say politically incorrect things? Who is suppose to tell me about going "a-courtin'" and point out all the landmarks in town as he tells me about how things "used to be?" Who is suppose to teach me random things like how to whittle, shoot a gun, or spit? Who is suppose to fix things or tell me about how life was before television and computers? Who is suppose to scare me and intrigue me and love me just the same? Seriously...